Two or so years ago, I had the displeasure of meeting someone who told me to tone it down. In fact, it was a condescending lecture along the lines of ‘you talk a lot, you know, why don’t you learn to be comfortable in the silence?’
In that moment, time stood somewhat still, just for a second, as I embodied my one and only thought towards them – it was FUCK you. Because maybe I didn’t fancy walking 20 minutes home with someone I’d just met and not trying to get to know them. Maybe because that’s just who I am and who they are not. I am well aware that I put great effort into everything I do, which includes fighting an awkward silence with everything I have.
With that sole thought circling my brain, I didn’t bother to reply and validate their bold rhetorically masked insults, nor did I go home and overthink who I am. Not one ounce of anything they said changed anything about me, thankfully, I knew myself well enough to know that that was not the sort of person I wanted to engage with ever again. Even when they invited me back to their flat later that day, I gave them a chill ‘yeah, absolutely not.‘
That ‘FUCK you’ stood for a lot more than how dare you, but as a mental dismissal of their negative energy. What a thing it is to tell someone to drip feed their personality. What a lonely existence to think you are in a position to speak to someone you’ve just met in that way. Because why would they ever assume I would make myself any less.
I’m quite sure that in that moment, they had no idea their words had turned me off them in such a drastic way – and what’s funnier is that since I distanced myself from them, they seemed to do everything in their power to try to engage with me again. But there was no chance that was going to happen, because FUCK you.
Then, time passed. The distance remained and I found my lovely people early on. This was until, quite out of the blue, we were thrust into the same existence again and I felt the kindness I possess in my ribs warming to their attempts in arranging a hang out with me, and I agreed. But then I remembered that I hadn’t thought FUCK you for no good reason.
We make the choices we make for good reason. And sometimes, when time passes, those reasons become forgettable – until you’re reminded like I was recently. It’s safe to say, I’ve done my past self justice by standing on the decision I had made to banish that person’s odd energy from my life and keep it that way. Because it’s been pretty peaceful since.
What a silly person, this one of many. And if you happen to be reading this, I hope you’re well – but FUCK you.
One response to “37. FUCK you.”
STAND ON IT.