30. Finding shards of reflection.

A collaboration with Eva Phiasanaxay.

Though getting diagnosed with ADHD towards the end of 2024 was the biggest step in understanding who I am and claiming the life I deserved, the most rewarding thing of all was finding shards of reflection in my closest friend Eva.

It is unmistakable how we’ve bonded over our struggle in understanding ourselves and the way we work – with Eva being on her way to get officially diagnosed, there’s no overlooking how much work we have put into understanding both ourselves and each other. What’s even better is how we’ve each come into our own through the shared acceptance of there being more than meets the eye when it comes to living truthfully.

A crucial lesson I’ve learned and applied to my life since being at Uni is the value of stepping away from the people I love – my family, my boyfriend, my familiar environment and recognising that time apart is so far from a loss, but instead, a gift. It’s an opportunity to explore who I am when I’m not someone’s daughter or girlfriend. That space has been so important for self-discovery, even if it hasn’t always been the most comfortable. 

Together, we’ve found that the truest way you can live your life is to take the time to understand the entirety of you. And to not faff about once you get going. An undying similarity between Eva and I is our want to take things seriously when it comes to personal growth.

Hearing Georgia speak about her own journey of self-discovery and the relief it’s given her has been so inspiring. Not just as my housemate but the greatest friend I’ve ever had – I’ve watched her grow so much simply just by having a better understanding of herself. 

When you take the time to look inwardly and assess the intricacies of your being and the way you are and the way you think, you’ll begin to look outwardly with the clearest lens. It’s the matter of allowing your journey of self-discovery to snowball, constantly; that is what life is for.

I’ve noticed that a lot of my traits align with those of ADHD, particularly the inattentive type. I don’t want to overstate, or self-diagnose, but the more I learn, the more I see myself in it. And while traits alone don’t equal a diagnosis, taking note of them has given me clarity.

Distance yourself from the media’s normality and romanticisation of self-diagnosing.  We live in a world where it’s literally a joke to say, “I’m so ADHD” or “That’s my OCD kicking in.” These throwaway lines totally miss the point. Self-discovery simply cannot be picking a label off the internet and slapping it on your chest like a name tag. I believe it consists of the hard work you put into understanding yourself, like you would a close friend. Give being your own friend a go and put it into practice. 

Knowing this, I’ve met people that are very easily overwhelmed with all that encompasses seeking professional opinion and diagnosis – I was privileged enough to get a private assessment underway less than a week of mentioning my suspected ADHD to my mum. And I am forever thankful for her and her lasting support throughout my whole life. I think the only reason I have a strong sense of self and a want to have a valid understanding of myself is due to her. Big up Kate (she hates when I call her that.)

So, while I am lucky in that respect, I cannot emphasise enough that if you suspect you may receive a diagnosis of something and you have the support and the facilities to see that through – do yourself a favour and get that done.

A diagnosis isn’t a box to fit into; it’s an eye opener – something to help connect the dots on patterns you couldn’t figure out for years. It gives you language, structure, and most importantly self-compassion. This is something I learnt from Georgia. Get yourself a Georgia, if you can. 

One common thread I’ve noticed among people in their teens and twenties who may have undiagnosed ADHD is the feeling of watching your own life like a film. You’re not the protagonist – you’re the audience. Things are constantly happening around you, but you don’t feel like you’re adding to the plot. That’s exactly how I’ve felt most of my life – and it ain’t a bad thing! Just something I’ve recognised and would now like to tweak.

The only way I could describe my life pre-diagnosis was as if I was walking through the dark with my eyes closed. Now, though I’m still feeling my way through the darkness, as we all are in some way, my eyes are open and I’m able to make out the shapes and shadows of life I’m on my way to discover.

‘When you take the time to look inwardly and assess the intricacies of your being and the way you are and the way you think, you’ll begin to look outwardly with the clearest lens.’